A couple of days ago I knew I was going to binge on some cookies before I even got home. I was having a rough day- comparing my body to others, and even criticizing myself on how good of a mom/stepmom I am. I honestly can't tell you what starts this, but I do have a tendency to be emotionally abusive to myself. (I'm sure my previous therapist told me the technical term for this, but I can't remember.) What this means is I begin bombarding myself with negative thoughts and continue to do so over and over and over again. I used to do this with an ex as well. At one point, I had come across old text messages between him and the girl he was with before me. I would read them over and over again, convincing myself I wasn't good enough and he loved her more than me.
So, when I got home from work, I did binge on the cookies as I had planned. My stomach gurgled and didn't like what I had done to it. But...then I worked out. This is a big deal for me, guys. Usually when I binge I just sit on the couch watching TV feeling sorry for my bloated self. I finished eating, got out my workout plan (that I purchased 2 months ago) and got to work. Once I finished my strength training I decided to take the pup for a 40 minute walk. I felt so good afterwards and almost forgot completely about the feelings I had prior to my binge.
The point here is we're all human. We all have shitty days and make mistakes. The point is to not lose sight of your objective and keep pushing forward after those bumps in the road. I'm slowly learning how many baby steps are necessary in loving yourself. It's going to take a loooong time to get where I want to be. I'm trying very hard to not get too frustrated along the way and give up. Day by day I'm trying to improve at least one small thing to bring me closer to my goal of completely loving myself for who I am.
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