Emotional Rollercoaster

artwork by Sue Tsai

 So far this month, I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I've been trying so hard to find my happiness. Doing things that make me happy. Not doing things that make me unhappy. Not allowing myself to feel bad if I want to have some chocolate one day. Saying no when I mean no. I'm trying so hard to find what makes me happy, and how I can intensify that feeling. And occasionally I'll find that happiness, but often struggle to keep it.
  I don't know if it's the prolonged winter we've had, or the fact that I just came off my period and my hormones are still raging, but I'm back to that lower place. Between work and social commitments, I haven't spend more than 30 minutes with my fiancé in the past week. My grandpa was in the hospital for nearly a week, and less than stellar relatives (in my opinion) weren't the best caretakers to my grandma while all of this was going on.
  Work life has been frustrating. Each review I get asked, "Where do you want to go within the company?" For the last 3 years I've been satisfied with my position and felt no need to move anywhere else. But this year, I feel it's time to expand my horizons and try to progress within our facility, and I'm met with resistance. The direction I want to move apparently isn't the direction management wants me to move, therefore, here I stay.
  I knew my weight was getting a little out of control when I realized I only had 1 pair of jeans I could barely fit into. I got on the scale a day before my birthday and realized I was 10lbs more than I anticipated- 20lbs more than 6 months ago. I spent a few days feeling angry with myself for "letting myself go". Then I decided I'd start a high protein diet, because this is the only way of eating that I actually feel good doing, and track my calories to ensure I was in a deficit. My protein counts and caloric intake was good all week, but due to poor planning I failed to stick with it this weekend. I have already planned ahead for this week, with all intent to stick with it again, but am still feeling this shame of "messing up" this weekend.
  I just want to be happy. And not Michelle Duggar happy (that's just creepy), but a genuine "life is good" happy. I'm still struggling to understand why this is so difficult to achieve? Is it me? Do I have some sort of chemical imbalance that prevents me from being happy at the times I should be? Or is it all just a choice? Am I subconsciously choosing to remain unhappy and not let go of the past? I apologize for the choppiness of this post, I just typed the words that were going through my head. Here's hoping to get off this ride soon!